Everyone Has Good Hair, But Me!!!

Everyone Has Good Hair, But Me!!!

While scrambling eggs one morning, I overheard the following proclamations coming from the bathroom.

“Daddy has good hair.  Ruthie has good hair.  Julee has good hair.  Izzie Lou has good hair.  Molly Beagle has good hair.  Mommy has good hair.  Everyone has good hair but me!”

(Izzie Lou and Molly Beagle were two dogs we had at the time.)  

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Then the tears began to fall on my three-year old’s face.

She thought that her hair was not good.  

At the age of three.  

I stood there thinking….”Why does she even care?  I have tried so hard to not emphasize beauty on the outside.  I’ve been lenient about looks.  I let the girls wear mismatched clothes out in public.  And plastic high heel shoes to the local bagelry for breakfast.  I’ve even been known to take a tiara or two out to lunch.  Why does she care about beauty?”  

LeeAnne saw in the mirror that morning what she was not.  She could not see that she had the most beautiful big blue eyes and was the only one in our family with blond, curly hair.

LeeAnne could only see what she wasn’t instead of what she is.  

I can’t get upset with her – I have the same problem.  

After Daniel died, I remember thinking about how much I wanted to hold him in my arms.  I wanted to his sister to be able to love on him.  I wanted two car seats in my back seat.  I wanted diapers to fill my shopping cart.  

But that was not to be.  At least not at that time in my life.  

Daniel was not meant to live in my house or to be loved on by us here on earth.  Years later, the Lord gave me two other daughters for whom I am most grateful.  I had to buy pull-ups and diapers at the same time!  I had to have three car seats in my car at one time.  And I never complained about it!  It was wonderful to have life in my home after such a tremendous loss.  


But when I was walking the days and weeks after Daniel’s death, I could not see the future.  I could not know for certain that I would ever have another healthy child.  I saw other families having healthy babies.  I saw families full of life and joy and I seemed to have none.  I had allowed my joy to be taken from me by the loss I was enduring.  

I am by no means saying you need to be full of joy and that you need to be happy with whatever God gives to you.  Sometimes that is humanly impossible – we cannot do it in our own strength.  

What I am saying is that when you find yourself uncertain of your circumstances and not thankful for what is going on in your life, take those concerns and frustrations to the Lord.  Ask Him to take those burdens from you.  Ask Him to show you how He is working.  


Sometimes you may need to beg the Lord to show you how He is going to use your circumstances for good, but I promise you that He will never leave you and you can cling to Him during your difficult seasons of life.  

And He will show you that your blond curly hair is beautiful – even if it is different from the others in your life.  He will use all things for His glory if we trust in Him.  

 

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

“Cast your burdens on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”  Psalm 55:22

“The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and bounding in steadfast love.  The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.”  Psalm 145:8-9

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Everybody’s Named Daniel!

Everybody’s Named Daniel!

I have been a little busy these last few weeks with two weddings that I helped to plan and direct.  My hope was that the proceeds from these events would fund the printing process of self-publishing this book, but God had other plans which I will share soon.

Anyway, so as I was directing these weddings, I started to see a common theme, the name Daniel.

Father of the Bride:  Daniel

Sound Tech (for BOTH weddings):  Daniel

Groomsman:  Daniel

And if it wasn’t their first name, then some people even had it for their last name!
I was surrounded with Daniels all these last few weeks.

And I really think there were a few more, but I realized two things as I kept having to interact with all these Daniels.

Number One Lesson Learned:  Daniel is a much more popular name than I realized when we chose the name for our son.

Number Two Lesson Learned:  While I was surrounded with living Daniels, I was constantly reminded of my Daniel in heaven.  Partially because I am have been amazed at God’s provision to fund my book project in ways I had not anticipated (again, more later).  But because in the midst of getting all the “T’s” crossed and the “I’s” dotted for these weddings, I was going over I Have a Brother with a fine tooth comb and making sure I had done everything needed to be ready to send it off…

And obviously reading the story over and over again, reminds me of the days when it really happened…and I am so thankful to be on this side of the journey, but I am so thankful for the Lord’s goodness to me throughout this journey…He has been so good and I am so thankful!

So that is where we have been these last few weeks.  I hope to blog a few times each week and share where we are on the self-publishing journey and also to share more about God’s goodness to us through life.  God is good – even when we cannot see what He is doing.

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

 

 

Why share the dream?

Why share the dream?

When my little lady with big eyes had her dream, I was overcome with emotion.  Then fear crept in, what if??  What if she just made it all up?  What if it wasn’t real?  Could I trust my two and a half year old?

That’s a loaded question.  Trust her with what?  With her great-grandmother’s fine china…probably not.  But trust her to tell the truth,  yes.  Those baby blues cannot tell a lie.

But there was a bigger question for me to answer:  Was God trying to send comfort to me through the dream of a little girl?  Could God do such a thing?

I hope we all read that last question and had a resounding answer like, “Of course, God could send you comfort through your child’s dream…God is God and He can do anything!”

When I was in the hospital after Daniel had been born, I remember telling the nurses and doctors that God was God and I trusted Him whether or not my son lived.  And then my son died.  And I had to live that proclamation out.
I will be the first to say that I did not live that out as nicely as I wish I could have, but I had no idea what it meant to grieve or mourn when I said those words.  My heart had never been so broken.
Slowly over time, I was able to gain understanding as to what God had done and was doing through our loss.  I could trust the Lord and not be afraid.  God is still God and I could still trust Him.

And I do.

Now I understand that I will not always understand His answers or desire His answers, but I can trust Him wholeheartedly.  And I hope that is what I am doing moment by moment, day by day.

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”   Proverbs 3:5-6

I have had this proverb in my heart since I was a wee little Daphne. Then one day a few years ago, I kept reading…

“Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”  Proverbs 3:7-8

At the time I was reading this, I had convinced myself that my body was failing.  I may be alone in this, but I can start having a pain or an ailment and all of a sudden, I go there.   I can convince myself that I am dying.  And if I google it, I can confirm my suspicions.

I will stop right here and just praise the Lord that my husband will listen to my diagnoses and disprove them each and every time, though sometimes it would be nice for him to get on board my crazy train for just a minute or two…misery loves company.

So verses seven and eight of Proverb chapter 3 really just encouraged me to put my focus where I thought it had been…on the Lord.  Let Him guide my each and every step and turn away from my doubt and my frustration…to turn away from me.  Put my eyes on Him.  And it will bring life to my bones.

So I decided to share this dream with others.  For I found that it was a gift from the Lord.  I would not be afraid of what people would say or if they would question the dream.  If God gives us a gift, we must glorify Him with it.

For me, this dream was God’s gift of confirming in my heart that I have not lost my children who died before me, but rather I will see them one day in heaven.  And for that I am grateful.


The Dream

The Dream

After talking with many mothers who have lost an infant, many have said that the child born right after their loss, has a special, strange connection to that deceased child.

I found that little tidbit to be very interesting, but could not imagine how it might pan out in our family.

Eighteen months after Daniel died, I gave birth to a baby girl with large eyes.  Bless her…she gets the large eyes honestly.  She is growing into them…

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When Little Bo Peepers was between two and three years of age, she came to me one Sunday morning as I was getting everything and everybody ready for church (and I think our littlest lady was a baby) and told me matter of factly that she had had a dream.  I cannot remember her exact words, but they went something like this: Read more

Mr. Google

Mr. Google

The other day we were having a little lesson on the internet with our girls.  I explained to them that there is so much information on the internet that it is amazing…and sometimes a little creepy, but amazing, nonetheless.

So the girls wanted to google their own names and surprising, they had information about each of them.

I am still not sure how I feel about this.

So I joined in the party and googled my name.  I had several images pop up…the last of which was this:

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Thank you very much, Mr. Google, but what you come up with is not exactly true.  Read more

Psalm 28

Psalm 28

Daniel died very early in the morning on January 28, 2007.  My husband pulled out his Bible and read Psalm 28 and then we all cried.

Honestly, I don’t know if I cried because of the words of the Psalm or because of what had just happened, but I know we all cried.

And yet, I remember feeling somewhat comforted.  I believe that is the power of God’s word.  Anytime I am feeling lost, alone or sad, I can read God’s word, the Bible and I know I am not alone, I know that I have a reason for hope and a future.

After we came home and settled into our “new normal” life without Daniel, I remember looking at Psalm 28 again.  The verses that stuck out to me were six and seven:

“Blessed be the Lord!  For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.” 

I knew the Lord had heard my prayers for Daniel to live.  I knew the Lord had given me strength to walk this journey.  He had allowed me to have two days to process the idea that my son would not be coming home with me.  That instead my son would be going to his eternal Home. Read more

I am done.

I am done.

I just finished.

I think I am done.

The story God laid on my heart to write and publish is ready to publish, should the Lord see fit to send the funds for such.

And I am in tears.

I don’t want to have a story like this. I don’t want to wonder what it would be like to have a nine-year-old boy living in my house.

And I don’t want to sit here and cry.   I hate crying. It makes me feel sad. And I don’t like sad. I like happy and hopeful. Not sad.

And yet here I am. Overcome with emotion. Real emotion that makes you cry until there is a little puddle beneath your bowed head.

It has been over nine years since I held my son in my arms and his heart stopped beating. Over nine years since I left the hospital and stayed in a hotel room that a friend had gotten for us.  Over nine years since I told the nurses that whether or not Daniel lived or died I trusted the Lord.

And I did. I mean I do. I did and I do. I trust the Lord. His plans are not mine. Read more