Yes, I Bought Myself Flowers

Yes, I Bought Myself Flowers

 

 

I have decided to have  a little blogging schedule if you will.  I like schedules…sometimes a little too much!  I know that I have freedom to deviate from this schedule and there will be days I cannot pull off a blogpost, but I thought it might help you, as the reader, to know how I am going about this blogging thing and me, as the writer, to have a starting point!  
As I have mentioned before, I am working on a devotion book for grieving mothers.  I think I have 15+ devotions written and my goal is 30 devotions.  So on Mondays, I am going to post one of these devotions.  And because I love alliteration and plays on words, I am calling it “Monday Mournings.”  These devotions are intended to help grieving mothers relate to the heartache they feel and see God in the midst of their grief.  
I am also going to do my best to post on Wednesdays and Fridays.  So my alliteration for Wednesday is “Wonderful Wednesdays.”  It might be a giveaway or something that has just filled me with wonder that week…we will see.
Friday is for family, so (drum roll please) I am calling it “Family Fridays.”    I will share something about what is going on with our family…
And there is my lengthy explanation to my blogging strategy…thanks for reading along.  So now for today’s “Monday Mourning.”  Enjoy!

Fresh Flowers

I am a realist.  I don’t dream, I analyze.  

I am practical.  I buy useful gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

I do not like small talk.  I can see what the weather is just as well as the next person.  No need to talk about it.  

I sound like a whole lot of fun, don’t I!?!?

You can just imagine how much fun I was after Daniel died.  

My realistic self said, “My son is dead.  My heart and body ache.  What am I supposed to do with myself now?”  

My practical self wanted to do something.  But there was nothing that could be done to save Daniel’s life.   I could not change my situation.  I was stuck, perhaps, in the mud.  

I did not want to small talk about what I had just been through.  If you had asked me, “How are you today,”  my answer would have been, “Horrible.”  If you had asked me” Is there anything you could do to help me,” my answer would have been, “Nothing.”  

But God bless you if you were one of those moms who called or wrote to me saying, “This happened to me years ago.  I know it hurts.  Do you want to talk?”  

In that case, yes, I did want to talk.  This loss had been very, very difficult.  I never knew something like this could happen to me.    

As these ladies shared their stories, I listened as their tears resurfaced, some after twenty years…because this was not easy.  It is never easy to lose a child.  

These ladies’ stories comforted me.  This was hard, but I could make it through just like they had.  “Just do what you can do and trust the Lord with the rest,” they would encourage.  It would take time – a lot of time.  

After Daniel’s death, I tried to function as normally as possible.  I could manage Ruthie and the house well.  I could go to the grocery store, but I could not promise that I would not break down into tears if someone ever stopped me to talk.

As I was grocery shopping one day, I saw something I had always passed over before Daniel’s death.  They had always seemed so frivolous and expensive.  Now they seemed necessary.  I needed some flowers.  

I reasoned that if Daniel had lived, I would be purchasing diapers every week and so I would use my “diaper money” to purchase flowers to sit by my kitchen sink.  My “Practical Self” needed to justify these floral investments.  

I am just going to be honest here.  I have never been a “send me flowers” type of girl, but those flowers on my kitchen sink brought me smiles and they brought me sadness.  

I smiled at their beauty.  I remembered to add water to them.  But in 10 days or so, they would wither and I would feel a sting at the remembrance of death.  


Then I would go out and purchase myself some new flowers and start the process all over again.  

This may not make sense to most people in the world, but I have a feeling that other grieving mothers will understand.  I wanted life so desperately and I was looking for it everywhere.  

For many, many months, I bought myself flowers.   

Looking back on my fresh flower purchases, I realize that I was beginning to understand that life is for the living.  I could choose daily to live my life or to analyze it away.  I could be practical or I could indulge by living life to its fullest.  

Here is the decision I came to:  I want to live each day knowing that I am not promised the next one.  I want to love more than I had in the past.  And sometimes that looks realistic and practical, but other times it doesn’t and that is okay.  

I still have to tell my practical self to “hush up” at times.   

Dear friend, choose to live and to love.  Because love is the greatest give we have been given.  And in loving, we are living.  

Bless me with life so that I can continue to obey you.  Open my eyes to see wonderful things in your Word.”  Psalm 119:17-18 TLB

“I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.  And the life i now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  Galatians 2:20

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7

 

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3 thoughts on “Yes, I Bought Myself Flowers

  1. “Looking back on my fresh flower purchases, I realize that I was beginning to understand that life is for the living. I could choose daily to live my life or to analyze it away. I could be practical or I could indulge by living life to its fullest. ” Good stuff. Also, I’m always here to help you live in the land of daydreams and unicorns…;-)

    Like

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